curiouser and curiouser

They say that you cannot remember pain,
And that it is a good thing,
Because you remember just enough
To keep you from causing the pain again.
But I never believed it,
Nor heeded it,
As I bumped and scraped my way through life.
But, I recently discovered a new pain.
Devastating
Debilitating
Excruciating
As my heart was ripped from my body,
My soul bared to flame and flood,
Both pounded into the ground,

Unwittingly.
Mercilessly.

And yet, here I stand, ready to dive in again.
I remember the pain:

Devastating

Debilitating

Excruciating.

But!

The joy is greater than the risk.

So, here I go.

Let me play among the stars

Curious, the meanderings of the heart.
So vulnerable, yet resilient.
So delicate, yet stalwart.
So surprising, yet steadfast.
So willing, though bruised and battered.

She is delightful, really.
Concerned that she accepts more than she gives,
Like me.
Offering apologies where none are warranted,
Line me.
We are completing sentences for each other.

She is cute.  Much more than cute, really.
A real Surfer Girl,who is
Witty
Bright
Beautiful,
.
She is generous and genuine,
And there is an electricity between us.
Is this love?  Too soon to tell, really.
But I know, as I write this, 7 miles over Albuquerque
That my heart skips a beat when I think of her.

I am eager to be home, so we may continue that conversation,
Probing thoughts, values, ideals and dreams.
Searching for that chemistry,
That intimate conversation
That lovers know
That I have known,
That I know I will know,

Again.

As the balladeer sings:
"Fill my heart with song,
Let me sing forever more,
Please be true."

Are you all I long for?
I don't know.

But it sure feels that way.

Marveling at life's twists and turns

Last evening I was minding my own business when MissD, the lady I dated for over a year pinged me on Yahoo.  Mind you, this is after a few testy exchanges, and an elimination of all communication.  Then my phone rings, and it's MissD.  She said she was in the hospital with her Mom, who had a stroke on Thursday.  MissD asked her if there was anything she could do for her, and her Mom said "I'd like to speak with Mr. Vermont, I want to hear his voice".  I am Mr. Vermont in those parts.

Now, MissD's Mom is quite advanced in years, so this is a very serious situation.  When MissD put her Mom on the phone, I asked her how she was, and she said "Not so good".  I told her we would pray for her and I told her that I missed her.  She asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was seeing another woman from Vermont.  She told me that I had to bring her to Arkansas so she could approve.  I asked her if MissD was happy and she said yes, but she likes me better than the new guy.

Anyway, I chatted with MissD for a bit, thankful that  she let me speak with her Mom, but fighting to hold back the anger that is still inside me.  It is going to take me a while, I guess.

But, I am blessed that MissD shared that moment with me, and thankful that we were able to please her Mom, perhaps for  the last time.

It is a marvel, really, this existence we enjoy.

Separation

The canyon walls are close,
so close I fear I may fall back into the chasm
where nothing that is good and true happens.

As I climb the narrow, winding trail,
I catch glimpses of the chasm floor
where hopes, dreams and promises are strewn about,
disintegrating into the dirt.

It seems that only moments  ago we were feasting on
those same hopes, dreams and promises,
Joyfully affirming our love and dedication to all who would listen
in front of and behind closed doors.

But as I climb out of the canyon, to the bright
moonlit night, as I leave them behind
I glimpse her picking up the hopes dreams and promises
And wrapping her new lover in them in passionate embrace
and I begin to wonder how many times...

But I catch myself, refusing to be dragged back
to questions with no answers.

I have been down there too long, wallowing in the mud of betrayal,
the filth of subterfuge.

And I turn again, facing forward, following
my horse's lead.  And the canyon wall is now farther away,
The thicket that has blocked the path forward has given way to
a clear path on this beautiful moonlit night.

And I take solace in the knowledge that I have been true to my word,
and that my hopes, dreams and promises to come will be clear of
the dirt below.

And I can, and will offer them freely,
When the time comes.

The Horseman

Forgive me world
Forgive me friends
Forgive me family, and
Forgive me, former lovers, especially one.

Self indulgence is not pretty to watch,
It is less attractive to live.

Books,
Intimate conversations,
Counsel, from young and old,
Wisdom from my children, my wonderfully astute children:
"Dad, knock it off", "Get your head out of your butt".
Such compassion, but such truth.

I realize that, beyond the hurt, I have been consumed by fear
Fear of the new path
Fear of rejection
Fear of falling in love, again exposing raw tissue to additional wounds.

Nobody said that I have to fall in love again
When they said "Get back on the horse"
Nobody said to ride in the rodeo.

Take him out by the cool waters
The flowing stream
The lush grasses.

Get back in the saddle
and walk, don't run
For all good things come in due time.
Brush down the horse,
Polish the brass,
Smell the roses as you saunter past

And for that special lady on the horizon
Take it slow, and easy
As much for you as for her.

The horse knows the way
He has been here before.
So climb back in the saddle and let the horse take you where you need to go.

Finality

Lord, I have not made this easy
nor neat
nor clean
nor sweet.
We arrive at the end with some understanding
but little acceptance.
Six days.
Less than a week.
Six days from my arms to his, With
no warning
no hint
no effort to explain.
A passionate weekend in Vermont
Then plans for another,
Reservations made
Tickets purchased
And not a kiss goodbye.
Six days
Six days from my arms to his, With only lies
No caring
No respect
No love
Only hurt, and veiled truth.
Then Conversation
Explanation,
Understanding
Peace, and a path to Acceptance.
Then jealousy and fear and demands that she not speak to me,
for he fears
Six days from his arms to another's, With

no warning

no hint

no effort to explain.

And not a kiss goodbye.

The House's Money - Redux

I do not believe in God as a marionette, manipulating events to shape us into His image. Likewise, I do not believe in a Satan who makes bad things happen to us. Think of it for a moment...If Satan wants us to do his bidding, making a bunch of bad things happen to us is a questionable way to win our hearts.

Instead of the great manipulators directing our every act, I prefer to believe that there is a physical universe that exists according to the rules of Physics, Chemistry, Geometry, etc., and a spiritual universe that is ruled by God. We exist within these two universes, our lives subject to the vagaries and absolutes of each. Throw in our Free Will and random, chance happenings and you get a pretty confusing place where s*** happens, and we are left with our own faith and God's Grace to see us through.

It is within this vast, confusing space, however, where we can observe good things happening, and can embrace the Optimist's manifesto that is represented in this writing.

Life is a game of chance, of high stakes poker. The ultimate game of Texas Hold 'em, so to speak. We are dealt some cards, we play the hand as best we can and win or lose based upon our cards and our ability.

Whenever it seems that my cards aren't quite good enough or my ability is not capable of winning the hand, I try to remember the words of the Psalmist:

"The Lord is my Shepard. I shall not want."

 ...always to remember that, even if I lose the hand I am still a winner, as I am playing with the house's, or should I more accurately say, God's money.

Allow me to explain.

We have been dealt far more hands than we can recall. It all started when our very essence was determined. Now, it doesn't really matter what your belief system is. Was it luck? God's will? Satan's work? Fate? Or any other method of species selection, but for the sake of our metaphor, you were dealt a hand. The outcome of that hand would determine whether you were dog, a cat, a monkey, anteater, squid, snail or fish, a neutrino or quark, a piece of cosmic dust.....or a human being. The fact that you have a human soul with the ability to love, hate, dream and strive means you won that all important hand,

So, it was decided that you were to be human.

What happened in the next hand? Well, of the thousands of eggs carried in your mother's ovaries, and the millions of sperm produced by your father, one of each joined at a magical moment and produced an embryo that could live in your mother's womb.

You just collected another sizable pot.

And what about your parents? They just happened to be alive during the 20th century, not during the Dark Ages, the Mesopotamian era, the Renaissance or even the American Civil War. They were able to bring you into the world during the time of thee greatest advancements in the human race, a time when we have produced the the means to solve most of the problems that have plagued mankind for Millennia, a time when we have the opportunity to combine intellectual enlightenment, social awareness and technological prowess to feed, clothe and house the world population.

Again, you won the pot, and with it a tremendous opportunity and responsibility.

Let's take a moment to count your chips. Somehow, your soul, your being was assigned to the human race for use at the dawn of the 21st century. The fact that you are not part of the miasma of primordial gas means that you have a huge stack of chips on the table. Or, you might say that the Spirit moves through you as you are filled with God's grace.

But, let's take a look at the next hand.

You are alive, breathing,able to communicate and have made it to a point where you are aware of some of the hands you are playing. Consider the fact that your parents created an environment that got you in a specific location today. You aren't in Biafra, The Sudan, Cambodia, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Nicaragua nor Russia, but are in America, The United States of America, where your freedom, talent, creativity, your ability to live life to the fullest are not stifled or merely tolerated, but are encouraged and celebrated. Consider also that after your mother's egg was fertilized it did, indeed, latch onto the uterine wall and you grew. You weren't aborted, you weren't strangled on your umbilical chord, you weren't formed without a brain or heart but, instead, you formed into a living, functional, self-sufficient person If you are here . And, you made it through the trauma of birth! No sudden infant death, no plague, no childhood nor adolescent maladies that have stopped you from breathing, feeling, communicating......living!

So, here you find yourself considering words written by someone you don't know, published in a place foreign to you, and of uncertain provenance and intellectual scrutiny. Before you dismiss this as rantings of a nut job, consider the Gospel of John:

"If you abide in My word [hold fast to my teachings and live in accordance with them], you are truly My Disciples. And you will know the Truth, and the Truth shall set you free."

-John 8:31, 32.

In the movie, "The Legend of Bagger Vance", a powerfully spiritual movie, the war veteran Rannulph Junuh, played by Matt Damon is instructed by his coach, Bagger Vance, played by Will Smith to "find your true swing":

 Yep... Inside each and every one of us is one true authentic swing... Somethin' we was born with... Somethin' that's ours and ours alone... Somethin' that can't be taught to ya or learned... Somethin' that got to be remembered... Over time the world can, rob us of that swing... It get buried inside us under all our wouldas and couldas and shouldas... Some folk even forget what their swing was like.."

The Truth, in this context is that your swing is the unique gift given to you by God. You are fantastically fortunate, incredibly lucky and granted the enormous gift of God's Grace. But, where God gives you his Love and Grace unconditionally, it is incumbent upon us to share these gifts.  It is our responsibility in living His word. to share with fellow sojourners, fellow residents of spaceship Earth  our unique gifts and to give of them freely.

So, in closing, if you get to play, you win, for you have been given much.

As is described in Luke 12:48:

When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.

So go out and find your true swing, acknowledge and rejoice in all you have been given, and go do good things.

The House's Money

Life is a game of poker. We are dealt some cards, we play the hand as best we can and win or lose based upon our cards and our ability.

Whenever it seems that my card's aren't quite good enough, or my ability is not capable of winning the hand, I try always to remember that even if I lose the hand I am still a winner, as I am playing with the house's money.

Allow me to explain.

We have been dealt far more hands than we can recall. It all started when our very essence was determined. Now, you can believe in reincarnation, divine intervention, Fate or any other method of species selection, but for the sake of our metaphor, you were dealt a hand.The outcome of that hand would determine whether you were dog, a cat, a monkey, anteater, squid, snail or fish, a neutrino or quark, a piece of cosmic dust.....or a human being. The fact that you have a human soul with the ability to love, hate, dream an d strive means you won that all important first hand.

So, it was decided that you were to be human. What happened in the next hand? Well, of the thousands of eggs carried in your mother's ovaries, and the millions of sperm produced by your father, one of each joined at a magical moment and produced an embryo that could live in your mother's womb.

You just collected another sizable pot.

And what about your parents? They just happened to be alive during the 20th century, not during the dark ages, the Mesopotamian era, the Renaissance or even the American Civil War. They were able to bring you into the world during the time of thee greatest advancements in the human race, a time when we have produced the the means to solve most of the problems that have plagued mankind for centuries; a time when we have the opportunity to combine intellectual enlightenment, social awareness and technological prowess to feed, clothe the world population.

Again, you won the pot, and with it a tremendous opportunity and responsibility.

Let's take a moment to count your chips. Somehow, your soul, your being was assigned to the human race for use at the dawn of the 21st century. The fact that you are not part of the miasma of primordial gas means that you have a huge stack of chips on the table. But, let's take a look at the next hand.

You are alive, breathing,able to communicate and have made it to a point where you are aware of some of the hands you are playing. Consider the fact that your parents created an environment that got you in a specific location today. You aren't in Biafra, The Sudan, Cambodia, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Nicaragua nor Russia, but are in America, The United States of America, where your freedom, talent, creativity, your ability to live life to the fullest are not stifled or merely tolerated, but are encouraged and celebrated. Consider also that after your mother's egg was fertilized it did, indeed latch onto the uterine wall and you grew.You weren't aborted, you weren't strangled on your umbilical chord, you weren't formed without a brain or heart but, instead, you formed into a living, functional, self-sufficient person. And, you made it through the trauma of birth! No sudden infant death, no plague, no childhood or adolescent maladies that have stopped you from breathing, feeling, communicating......living!

So, here you are, alive at the dawn of the 21st century in the United States of America. You have won almost every hand that you've been dealt; some by luck, some by ability and some inexplicably. You have the opportunity to laugh, cry, create, destroy, love, hate, live, or exist. You've lost some hands that have taken a lot of chips away. You've won some, as well, and added to your pile.

As you recount all your chances, the cosmic possibilities, the odds against making it this far, remember you're playing with the house's money, because you have been playing longer than you can recall, and those chips represent your very good fortune. When you lose a hand, when things seem really bad, look at your chips and you will realize that you may have been set back, but you haven't lost. You have just won less. I doubt, and am sure that deep in your heart you doubt too, that the house will ever get its money back. And, even if it does, that means that you neither won nor lost, but broke even.

That's not too bad, either.

Why?

Who

What

When

Where

Why?

Five descriptors

Five attributres that explain everything

Who did it?

What did she do?

When did she do it?

Where here did she do it?

Why did she do it?

All are statements of fact

That can be proven empiricly.

All, that is, except "Why?"

"Why" is a step removed from fact

It is conjeecture

It is a conclusion

It depends upon logic and intuition.

It is subject to bias and illusion.

In the end, it is an opinion

It cannot be proven

It is not definitive

Answering "why?" is an exercise in futility.

So, knowing this

Why do I torture myself by wanting to know

Why?

Lenses

You have lenses
I have lenses
Big ones
Small ones
Weak ones
Strong ones

We have our favorites
Ones that make all things good
They color our future
They color our past
And they can color our present, as well.

And then, there are the scary ones
that take us into dark places
where we don't want to go
where we don't want to be seen
where we see demons.

Lenses aren't labeled.
When we put one on, we never really know where it will take us

I took her into a dark place
through a lense so dark
the only thing that passed through was excrutiating pain, anguish, sorrow.

I did not understand the pain, so I didn't remove the lense.

And she never forgave me.

So as I look back on what might have been
I wonder if I am looking through the right lens.

And, I think, not.

Trust

Strong
True
Certain
Steadfast

Trust in me
I trust you

Faith
Truth

So strong yet so fragile
Like all things man-made
Lives are created through trust
Trust, misplaced shatters lives

I trusted you
I trusted us
Expectantly
Foolishly

Hope
Reliance
Dismay

I trusted you
With predictable results
For all things manmade
Trust in betrayal

In God we trust
In God I trust

on Trust

Trust is warmth

Trust is noble

Trust is confidence

Trust is certitude

Trust is strong, like a rock.

But, trust is fragile, trust is fickle, trust is fleeting.

Like a delicate flower it's stark beauty

doomed to a short future and a violent demise.

Trust is founded on the combined will of the multitude,following in those of countless weary travelers of journeys past

Sojourners yearning for hope and peace, food and shelter, rest for a weary soul.

Trust reigns over the acts of great nations

and the distorted faith of the suicide bomber

The strongest trust exists between lovers,

trusting in each other to give and receive,

to sooth and be soothed, to excite and become excited,

never to end.

But end it does, in anger and betrayal and in hardened hearts

in words that should not be spoken and thoughts that ought not be shared.

Hearts hardened by scars remain wounded.

And yet, we trust again

hoping to find the way,

yearning for strength, nobility and truth,

and peace.

And eventually we look up to a magnificent sky, a panoply of peace and wonder

of hope and beauty,

and in that dark time when we see only weakness, the only things we see are cowardice,

weakness and fear, when we are consumed by doubt,

We look up and see truth and we realize that,

In God we Trust.

On music

Music is magic.

Individuals take the stage

From any religion

any culture

of any age.

With a common language as old as humanity, maybe older,

And be as one

In rhythm, in harmony, in passion, in intimacy.

Music speaks to our souls

Pours out our emotions

Makes us laugh,

Makes us cry,

Makes us yearn,

Makes us strive.

For the musician, it is sexual.

For the listener it is spiritual.

For all it is joyous.

Godlike.

Music is magic.

haiku

The calls less frequent.

"Nothing's wrong, I was busy."

Indeed she was so."

Prophesey denied.

Denial of cruel exit.

Prophesey confirmed.

Searching for answers,

"It wasn't you, it was me'.

Answers are unfound.

"It was all my fault,

you treated me wonderfly."

What more could i do?

"I didn't love you

as much as you loved me."

I don't believe that

Is her love enough

to leave her home for your home?

that reveals the truth.

Clinging to false hope.

It can never be the same.

Embrace stark reality.

Acceptance

Why am I in this place?

Wallowing in self pity

I revel in a broken heart,

Worn on my sleeve, my red badge of courage.

Seeking acceptance, comfort, empathy, solace, understanding, and Warmth.

Refuge from the cold , dark place in which I dwell,

About which I stagger,

Immersed in a sorrowful mist

My candle dimmed.

I know it is not right

Wars rage

Suffering overwhelms whole peoples

Disease plucks loved ones from our grasp

Rape, Murder, Plunder,

Human cruelty assaults us each moment.

And yet, I wallow.

Mourning rejection and lonliness

Mourning lost perspective

Indulging myself and my pain

Useless

Unreliable

Oxygen theif.

But Jesus died for me.

Jesus died for me.

Jesus died for me.

And I can hear Him whisper

"You are here in this place and time.

You are blessed with the power to change the world.

You are here in My image.

You have gifts that are needed.

End your wallowing, cease your pity.

Lift your eyes.

Re-light your candle.

Be a force for good.

Do the most loving thing, always."

Faux Endings

So much is different,
Distance
Culture
History
Habits

How to deal with it all?

There is such sameness,
Such sharing,
Hearts beating as one
Delightful diversity
The joy of perspectives
Completing sentences for each other
We share so much.

I can't cope
Missing you
Exposed
The demands
The guilt
I don't think you can rescue me, make me safe.

God gives you the strength to cope, and he brought me into your life to help you heal
I am always with you, in passionate embrace, a gentle caress, at 3AM on the phone, and in your innermost thoughts.
I will shield you
I will protect you
I will show you the path out of the darkness
I will rescue you and make you safe.
And if I can't He will help
And you will be rescued
And you will be safe
And you will be whole

And we will revel in the sanctuary of a deep love, founded in a shared spirituality
And we will be the bright beacon on the hill
Showing the way to love and joy.
We will be rescued
We will be saved.

And we will light the path for generations to come.

What is love?

It is weak knees

A fluttering stomach

A gentle caress

A sharp breath

A knowing smile

Twinkling eyes

A quiet moment of sublime serenity.

A heart bared

An soul opened.

Mystery

Lust

Passion

Wanting

Needing

Giving freely.

So many things

So complex

So simple

So many songs

So many poems.

And yet, so little understanding

So little control.

So much to fear, unless

You give it up to God.

For God is love.

God sweeps you with the current

And smashes you against the shoals.

But this can’t be true for

God does not kill babies

God does not cause war

God does not inflict pain.

And all who have been spurned are in pain

Deep, guttural pain

Piercing

Searing

Crying out.

My knees are weak

My stomach flutters

I feel your caress

Drawing that sharp breath

But the smile is sad

The twinkle blurred by tears

There is no serenity

Only shards of a broken heart.

Soulful moans

Only mystery

Knowing that you do not love me less than I you

You love him more than you do me.

So simple

So complex

So little understanding

So much pain.

Where is God?