Let me play among the stars

Curious, the meanderings of the heart.
So vulnerable, yet resilient.
So delicate, yet stalwart.
So surprising, yet steadfast.
So willing, though bruised and battered.

She is delightful, really.
Concerned that she accepts more than she gives,
Like me.
Offering apologies where none are warranted,
Line me.
We are completing sentences for each other.

She is cute.  Much more than cute, really.
A real Surfer Girl,who is
Witty
Bright
Beautiful,
.
She is generous and genuine,
And there is an electricity between us.
Is this love?  Too soon to tell, really.
But I know, as I write this, 7 miles over Albuquerque
That my heart skips a beat when I think of her.

I am eager to be home, so we may continue that conversation,
Probing thoughts, values, ideals and dreams.
Searching for that chemistry,
That intimate conversation
That lovers know
That I have known,
That I know I will know,

Again.

As the balladeer sings:
"Fill my heart with song,
Let me sing forever more,
Please be true."

Are you all I long for?
I don't know.

But it sure feels that way.

Marveling at life's twists and turns

Last evening I was minding my own business when MissD, the lady I dated for over a year pinged me on Yahoo.  Mind you, this is after a few testy exchanges, and an elimination of all communication.  Then my phone rings, and it's MissD.  She said she was in the hospital with her Mom, who had a stroke on Thursday.  MissD asked her if there was anything she could do for her, and her Mom said "I'd like to speak with Mr. Vermont, I want to hear his voice".  I am Mr. Vermont in those parts.

Now, MissD's Mom is quite advanced in years, so this is a very serious situation.  When MissD put her Mom on the phone, I asked her how she was, and she said "Not so good".  I told her we would pray for her and I told her that I missed her.  She asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was seeing another woman from Vermont.  She told me that I had to bring her to Arkansas so she could approve.  I asked her if MissD was happy and she said yes, but she likes me better than the new guy.

Anyway, I chatted with MissD for a bit, thankful that  she let me speak with her Mom, but fighting to hold back the anger that is still inside me.  It is going to take me a while, I guess.

But, I am blessed that MissD shared that moment with me, and thankful that we were able to please her Mom, perhaps for  the last time.

It is a marvel, really, this existence we enjoy.

Separation

The canyon walls are close,
so close I fear I may fall back into the chasm
where nothing that is good and true happens.

As I climb the narrow, winding trail,
I catch glimpses of the chasm floor
where hopes, dreams and promises are strewn about,
disintegrating into the dirt.

It seems that only moments  ago we were feasting on
those same hopes, dreams and promises,
Joyfully affirming our love and dedication to all who would listen
in front of and behind closed doors.

But as I climb out of the canyon, to the bright
moonlit night, as I leave them behind
I glimpse her picking up the hopes dreams and promises
And wrapping her new lover in them in passionate embrace
and I begin to wonder how many times...

But I catch myself, refusing to be dragged back
to questions with no answers.

I have been down there too long, wallowing in the mud of betrayal,
the filth of subterfuge.

And I turn again, facing forward, following
my horse's lead.  And the canyon wall is now farther away,
The thicket that has blocked the path forward has given way to
a clear path on this beautiful moonlit night.

And I take solace in the knowledge that I have been true to my word,
and that my hopes, dreams and promises to come will be clear of
the dirt below.

And I can, and will offer them freely,
When the time comes.

The Horseman

Forgive me world
Forgive me friends
Forgive me family, and
Forgive me, former lovers, especially one.

Self indulgence is not pretty to watch,
It is less attractive to live.

Books,
Intimate conversations,
Counsel, from young and old,
Wisdom from my children, my wonderfully astute children:
"Dad, knock it off", "Get your head out of your butt".
Such compassion, but such truth.

I realize that, beyond the hurt, I have been consumed by fear
Fear of the new path
Fear of rejection
Fear of falling in love, again exposing raw tissue to additional wounds.

Nobody said that I have to fall in love again
When they said "Get back on the horse"
Nobody said to ride in the rodeo.

Take him out by the cool waters
The flowing stream
The lush grasses.

Get back in the saddle
and walk, don't run
For all good things come in due time.
Brush down the horse,
Polish the brass,
Smell the roses as you saunter past

And for that special lady on the horizon
Take it slow, and easy
As much for you as for her.

The horse knows the way
He has been here before.
So climb back in the saddle and let the horse take you where you need to go.

Finality

Lord, I have not made this easy
nor neat
nor clean
nor sweet.
We arrive at the end with some understanding
but little acceptance.
Six days.
Less than a week.
Six days from my arms to his, With
no warning
no hint
no effort to explain.
A passionate weekend in Vermont
Then plans for another,
Reservations made
Tickets purchased
And not a kiss goodbye.
Six days
Six days from my arms to his, With only lies
No caring
No respect
No love
Only hurt, and veiled truth.
Then Conversation
Explanation,
Understanding
Peace, and a path to Acceptance.
Then jealousy and fear and demands that she not speak to me,
for he fears
Six days from his arms to another's, With

no warning

no hint

no effort to explain.

And not a kiss goodbye.